The “easy” yoke…

Life is hard. Or it’s confusing. Or both. It’s definitely not “easy”, right? I guess sometimes life feels “good”, but I think that even then, in those moments, that we wouldn’t say it’s “easy”. I think more than anything else, when life feels “easy” we almost feel like we got lucky in that moment. A moment that, for a moment, felt good. Or easy. Anyway, that’s the point of mini paragraph #1. Life is hard. Fact.

But that’s the beauty of it, right? And maybe the point.

There’s nothing worse than someone who constantly complains about how hard life is. I have a theory on this. It’s because we KNOW how hard life is. Every single person knows. It’s part of the fabric of who we are. If you’re poor, life is hard. If you’re rich, life is hard. (well maybe it’s a little easier if you’re rich, but rich people commit suicide every day, sooo…)

Almost everyone I know has experienced massive life trauma at some point. Divorce, death, illness, depression, isolation, etc… Seriously, take a look around you. Look at the people you know. Everybody has SOMETHING. And I look in the mirror and I look at the ways that I am broken, and I see others and I see the ways that they are broken and I realize that that’s what makes us all who we are. It’s what makes our eyes do what they do, it’s what makes our arms hang the way that they hang, it’s what makes our voice sound the way it sounds.

There are these insane moments that we all go through that just shatter us. Sometimes we realize what’s happening, sometimes we don’t. But I have a theory that these are the moments that make life BETTER (and of course, “better” is a subjective term). Well, I think they make life better if we are willing to let them make life better. And that depends on our perspective.

Did someone leave you? Let them go.
Did someone hurt you? Figure out a way to love them.
Did someone wrong you? Do something right for them.
Did life derail your train completely? Figure out what’s good about the new track.
Does someone owe you? Forgive their debt.

If we ACTUALLY did these things, our lives would improve, I’m sure of it.

I’m not trying to preach, these are just things that I have actually learned. Am I good at these things? Sometimes yes, mostly no. But I have found in my 29 years on this planet that these are the things that make life GOOD. Because we can NEVER control the things that happen to and around us, but we CAN control how we react to them and how we treat the people around us. I can look in the mirror in the morning as I’m brushing my teeth and I can say to the mirror…”I forgive so and so”. Or I can say…”I can love so and so”. Or I can say…”I can do this today and I can do that today”. Sometimes it takes saying it a few times before we believe it, but I think eventually it works.

Life is hard. It’s hard because it’s hard. But I think that living like we’re ENTITLED to something makes it even harder. Living like we are trying to ENRICH something (or someone) makes it good. Really good. And I think it might actually be that simple.

And now I’m going to go try to live like that. Good luck to me.

lately

haven’t posted in a while. i feel like i will soon have many new things to post.

vanilla

i’m really afraid of people. i’m really afraid of what they think of me. i’m really afraid of saying certain things or acting certain ways or putting on certain faces for fear that people will suspect that i think poorly of them and thus as a result they think poorly of me. i want to be vanilla. i want to be right down the middle. i don’t want to be pegged. i don’t want you to be able to pin down exactly what it is i am or what it is i do. i don’t want to because once you peg me, i will fail. and when i fail at being the thing you know i am, you will be able to judge me and make fun of me and you will not like the thing i am. so i try not to be the thing i am. i try hard not to be the thing i am. or i should say that i try hard not to be too much of the thing that i am. i try not to be the overbearing, annoying, obviously fake, obnoxious version of who i am. and so i don’t. and so i end up not being much of anything, which is no good. or i end up being really medium. which is fine for today, but if you carry that out over the scope of my whole birth to death life, it is not fine. it is not fine at all.

i’m not afraid of losing. not at all. i’m a good loser. sometimes i’m a sore loser, but i can handle it. it doesn’t break me down or make me feel like less. in fact, it usually makes me feel good, because at least i know in my heart that i tried. my problem is that i’m afraid of trying. which is crazy. totally crazy.

i just don’t want people to think bad things about me. i don’t want people to think i’m stupid. i don’t want people to think that i’m lame, or that i’m an asshole, or that i’m rude or a jerk or a bad friend. i guess i’d rather have people think nothing about me than bad things. the problem is (and i know this) that if you don’t give people any real slices of yourself, they won’t ever think anything real about you, which is how real relationships are formed. which is why my list of real relationships is probably pretty short and probably getting shorter.

well, i’m an asshole. i’ve made bad decisions. i’m a jerk, and a bad friend, and a loser…and sometimes, i just want to have friends that don’t care about the fact that i’m shitty. (and i’m not saying they DO, i’m saying that i project that) and i just want to not care so much about all things that shouldn’t matter to begin with. and i want to not have to keep trying be so vanilla all the time.

but i probably will.

the arena

read this quote by theodore roosevelt, our great american president:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

absolutely brilliant.

i hope you are in the arena, and i hope i am there with you. i hope that we fail, and i hope that we succeed, and i hope that our ears are closed to the jeers of the critics, and i hope that our faces are stained with the sweat and tears of valiant effort.

and i know it is never guaranteed, and it is not even the point, but i hope that in the end, we win.

potential

if we are capable of doing something and we don’t do it, are we liable at any point for not…doing it?

what i mean is, if i am physically capable, for example, of running a marathon, and i never get off the couch, is that wrong? i don’t even mean running the marathon, i mean getting off the couch.

what if everybody lived up to their potential, whatever it happened to be.

what if everybody TRIED to access just a small portion of their potential?

the world would be quite a different place.

i’m trying to figure out just how to do it, but i know i have a lot in me, and i want to live up to my potential.

In my younger days…

This song “In My Younger Days” by the band “Eels” has been blowing my mind for about two weeks now. It just makes me feel exactly the way you want a song to make you feel. That is all.

…

In my younger days
This wouldn’t have been so hard
I would’ve just shrugged it off

But now it’s tough
I’m not so rough
I’ve got a little ways to go
And it’s not over yet, I know
But it feels
Not so far away

In my younger days
This still would’ve knocked me down
But I would’ve just bounced right back, you know

Now I’m a statistic
But I’m not fatalistic
I’m not yet resigned to fate
And I’m not gonna be ruled by hate
But it’s strong
And it’s filling up my days

In my younger days
I would’ve just chalked it up
As part of my ongoing education

But I’ve had enough
Been through some stuff
And I don’t need any more misery
To teach me what I should be…

I just need you back.

(This song makes me feel very much the same way that “Poor Places” or “Ashes of American Flags” by Wilco, from Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, makes me feel. Which is saying something…)

ps. This whole album, “End Times” by Eels, is fantastic.

same question, same answer

lately, i feel like people have been asking me this question a lot:

“hey man, so what are you up to lately?”

and lately, i feel like this has been my answer:

“oh you know, not much, just working, hanging out, nothing crazy”

(or some variant of that phrase)

anybody with me on this one?

deep down in my soul, i know know KNOW that there is something terribly wrong with this reply. but i don’t know what it is. that’s what everybody says to that question. well, most people. and i’m not gonna lie here, i feel like something in my life is probably missing. i feel like something in everybody’s life is probably missing, and i feel like we probably don’t know what it is as much as we FEEL what it is. i FEEL what it is when i hear certain songs. i feel what it is when the weather is just a certain way. i feel what it is when i am just a certain level of tired, or sad, or happy. i FEEL what it is when i see the ocean, or the mountains. but i just feel it. and it sure doesn’t change the way i answer that question.

this is our dilemma in life isn’t it?

everyone has the SPARK. i know this beyond any shadow of doubt. and when i say everyone, i mean everyone. tall, short, black, white, smart, stupid, mentally retarded, autistic, etc…

how do we turn it into a flame?

how do we change the answer to the question?

IINWJWD

i have come to the realization, lately, that i absolutely hate meeting new people. i find it to be an awkward, boring, non-engaging activity. especially if i discover soon after meeting you that we have almost nothing in common. i know that you never learn all that much about people when you first meet them, and i know that often times (every time?) there must be some sort of bonding before you really start to realize that you want to actually hang out with these new people on a regular basis, and i guess i see such a chasm between the initial meeting and the bonding that would turn us into friends that i have almost no desire to pursue most relationships beyond that first phase of “nice to meet you, my name’s chris”. which is probably rude, and probably is just another example of my bad attitude.

don’t let me confuse you. i am not bad at meeting new people. i am good at meeting new people. i am good at making conversation. i am good at the ice breaker. i am not afraid of it. i just don’t like it. i guess i just don’t like meeting new people like some people don’t like trying new foods. they are just convinced that they already know enough good foods and they are happy with the foods they know so even if they did meet some new foods, it probably wouldn’t be worth it anyway. i love meeting new foods. but i think the food analogy sums up pretty well the way i feel about people.

and part of it too, is that i feel that not only do i feel like it is difficult to “bond” with new people thus turning them into real live friends, i feel like they probably don’t want to “bond” with me, thus turning me into a lifelong best friend.

side note: maybe this has something to do with the fact that i don’t like dogs very much. or well, not as much as cats. dogs are a man’s best friend, right? augh. but they require so much WORK. and i do not want to dedicate of all my time to making that beast become my new best friend. sorry dog. i want to put a litter box in the garage and call it good and you pretend to love me just because i feed you. god bless cats.

i just find it to be DIFFICULT. and i’m not saying that this is truth, because i know that the exact opposite is truth, but i think that deep down in my heart i feel that you (new person in my life) probably are stupid and have nothing to offer me. and you don’t have to tell me that this is a bad attitude, i already know that it is a bad attitude. and i already know that IINWJWD it is not what jesus would do. eh, i just feel like not putting in the effort i guess.

i think i probably would come across to most people as a people person, and i do like hanging out with people, and i like being able to be capable of stepping up to the plate in social situations. i think my inner introvert is just trying to bust out. that and my inner jerk.

ten

1. nicolas batum
2. 1 peter chapter 3
3. great roommates
4. music
5. being 27 and about to turn 28 and just feeling the heat of middle age about to hit me full force
6. a tune up on my car (who knew a tune up would make your car run so much better?)
7. my new asics
8. high definition
9. the parson red heads (great show tonight guys)
10. my cat walter

love you. every last one of you.

i think most of us think that the good stuff is for all the other people

i think most of us think that the good stuff is all for other people. that the people who change the world are not us. that we are not the visionaries. that we are not the ones that matter. that we are not the authors. that we are inconsequential characters that roll at the very end of the credits, if we roll at all.

and this fact is probably sadly true.

and the reason it is sad is not because it is true. the reason it is sad is because i think most of us that think those thoughts also think another thought. and that thought is that we kind of, secretly, not too much but still a little, wish we could be those people.

even me. i’m writing this stuff but i don’t believe that i’m that person either. i just secretly wish it before i drift off to a night of fitful sleep. and i secretly think that maybe it’s too late.

and that’s another question. when is it too late? when should we look in the mirror and say to ourselves, “self, it is officially too late. we had a good run but we are 31 years old now and are officially over the hump and officially have missed the boat.”

i think this process of being in your 20’s and trying to make it to your 30’s is a lot tougher than people think. i think that’s because we will get to 30 automatically, so even if we spend the whole of our 20’s sitting on our asses on the couch, we still get there. it’s one of those things that has no meter as far as achievement is concerned. the level of achievement that we want to aspire to is simply up to us. we are what we are. no one makes us. people influence us and circumstances push us one way or the other, but we still have to move ourselves. we still have to get in the car and put the foot on the gas pedal (in a manner of speaking).

i’m coming to the realization that our 20’s cement us as people. most of us will come into our 20’s as unmarried and leave the 20’s married. most of us will get some sort of semi-permanent job, have one or two kids, buy a house, etc. we will probably cement a circle of friends that will be the friends that we stick with for the majority of our adult lives. we will probably develop the habits and patterns that will stay until we start getting old. we will find some sort of church family, some sort of family family, some sort of job family. we will settle in. we will start settling, dare I say it…. down.

i think if everyone in america was seriously interviewed about who they are and what they want, or wanted and never got, you would find only a handful of results. a) you would have the people that are happy with what they got, b) you would have the people that don’t care, and c) like me, you would have the people that do care but are unhappy with what happened. (or wish they could have changed something, but are relatively happy with life as a whole) i think most people fall into this category, even if they don’t admit it. and i think that most people will stay in this category for two reasons that are tied together:

most people are afraid, and most people are lazy. simultaneously.

and if you believe in the devil then you have to believe that this is one of his great achievements. making people lazy and afraid at the same time. even if you don’t believe in the devil i think it is pretty easy to see that this is a) true and b) sad.

this also makes me think that if fear is the front door of the house, then apathy is the back door. but that’s a different topic and i haven’t thought it through all the way yet. maybe next time.