vanilla

i’m really afraid of people. i’m really afraid of what they think of me. i’m really afraid of saying certain things or acting certain ways or putting on certain faces for fear that people will suspect that i think poorly of them and thus as a result they think poorly of me. i want to be vanilla. i want to be right down the middle. i don’t want to be pegged. i don’t want you to be able to pin down exactly what it is i am or what it is i do. i don’t want to because once you peg me, i will fail. and when i fail at being the thing you know i am, you will be able to judge me and make fun of me and you will not like the thing i am. so i try not to be the thing i am. i try hard not to be the thing i am. or i should say that i try hard not to be too much of the thing that i am. i try not to be the overbearing, annoying, obviously fake, obnoxious version of who i am. and so i don’t. and so i end up not being much of anything, which is no good. or i end up being really medium. which is fine for today, but if you carry that out over the scope of my whole birth to death life, it is not fine. it is not fine at all.

i’m not afraid of losing. not at all. i’m a good loser. sometimes i’m a sore loser, but i can handle it. it doesn’t break me down or make me feel like less. in fact, it usually makes me feel good, because at least i know in my heart that i tried. my problem is that i’m afraid of trying. which is crazy. totally crazy.

i just don’t want people to think bad things about me. i don’t want people to think i’m stupid. i don’t want people to think that i’m lame, or that i’m an asshole, or that i’m rude or a jerk or a bad friend. i guess i’d rather have people think nothing about me than bad things. the problem is (and i know this) that if you don’t give people any real slices of yourself, they won’t ever think anything real about you, which is how real relationships are formed. which is why my list of real relationships is probably pretty short and probably getting shorter.

well, i’m an asshole. i’ve made bad decisions. i’m a jerk, and a bad friend, and a loser…and sometimes, i just want to have friends that don’t care about the fact that i’m shitty. (and i’m not saying they DO, i’m saying that i project that) and i just want to not care so much about all things that shouldn’t matter to begin with. and i want to not have to keep trying be so vanilla all the time.

but i probably will.